Saturday, December 13, 2008

Dec 12, dunno why, I cant concentrate on my study, usually at night was my best time to study, no one to disturb me, but no matter how many time I read the passages, it just go into my mind. What’s wrong with me? End up I studied till 3 am. Before slept, I prayed for my grandmother, hope god will blessed her not to suffer of pain. She would spend the rest of her life with happiness and not suffering from her diseases anymore.

On the day, before, my sister called me and I insisted to talk to my grandma, she said her whole body was very pain. But she still worried of me, asked how was life over here? I told her everything was fine and not to worry about me. I told her that god will bless her and wun feel pain anymore…

The next day, I went outing with friends. Suddenly my phone rang and it was my dad. Oh god, I din tell my dad I outing, will he angry for not telling him, who knew, if I knew I’ll not pick up the phone.

Who knew, that day was the last time I able to talk to my dear grandma, I dun even have chance to see her for the last time. Why can’t you just wait till Christmas? I had already plan to go back to visit you, just few more weeks… When was the last time I saw you? Think was the August holiday.

After the call, I was also surprised to my calmness. I just sit quietly and tried to think back those memories I had with my grandma, but nothing came to my mind. Izit my brain cant function or the memories that I can clearly remember was after my grandma was sick. Sadly… heard from my mum, because of the wrong diagnosis of the doctor, my grandma wun end up go for dialysis for these two years and suffer so much that she doesn’t have to.

My dad asked me no need to go back, my grandma had go with peace, she had went with Buddha. I was struggling, how am I gonna apply for holiday if I just went back like this? But this would be the very last time to see her… I asked my cousin and I broke down. I knew the answer. I sure my grandma want me to go back, maybe that was the excuse for me to go back. I missed her so much.

I had made a very shocking decision. I went to the terminal and bought a ticket back to muar alone. That time I can’t even buy the ticket myself. My friend helped me to buy the ticket and straight away get up to the bus. I dun care of everything, din bring any clothes to change, nothing, just wanna go back as fast as possible. First time in my life took bus alone, the journey was so lonely and moody. 4 and a half hour journey had made me so tiring, plus slept late on the night before. But was to see my dear grandmother for the last time, I think it worth it…

I reached muar at 1.50pm, the bus consider quite fast. Waiting my dad to come to pick me up, this time I came here with a totally different feeling, suddenly this place seems to be so different to me. My whole family came to pick me, they looked so tired and my mum’s eyes were red and ‘bengkak’. We went to the place where they place my grandma, everyone were there already. They were surprised to see me there. I was told to pray and I went to see my grandma. She lied and slept inside there with peace and relieve. But was so skinny and left only skin covering the bone. What was life? To suffer till the last breath?

I din cry, even I also can’t believe it… I still felt she was just beside me, never leaving us. She was just left her sick body and the illness, I was sure her life after this would be good, free from suffering and also happy ever after.

After that I went to my aunt’s house to have my lunch. And we hatta be vegetarian for 49 days. Avoiding killing, following the Dhamma’s taught. I changed to a blue t-shirt; symbolize the 3rd generation… sad…
I went there again, to pray and chanting… This was the last thing we can do for her. The section was serious and I saw my mum and aunt sobbing. They tried hard to controlling the tears, because we dun want grandma to feel grudged. We want her to continue her ‘journey’ to become a god.

Over there I met my long time no see cousins. Izit that only once people had gone only can manage to gather everyone, to make them regret of what they did. When grandma was still alive, everyone was busy to come to see her, even as her children also dun want to take care of her, only my aunt take care of her, and my mum will go back once having holiday. Therefore, I always go back to hometown was because of this reason. Now I pity of my aunt, she always be with my grandma, her husband and her children were always not at home, it was my grandma who accompanied her. Now the sudden absent of my grandma, dunno how she is gonna get used of this… Thinking of this my tears just felt down like this… My aunt sacrificed her time and everything for grandma, but in the end………. I heard she had became very hot template, can’t blame her, she just need time, same as everyone of us, need time to get used that when I go back, I had no one to call as ‘wai po’ already… just hope she can ‘recover’ soon.
I was forced to come back earlier, because my parents dun wanna my studies to be affected. I dun get the chance to ‘send’ my grandma for her last journey. I knew she wun blame me, but I did… because of study so far away, I can’t take care of my grandma, I can’t be there for her before she went, can’t see her ‘ zui ho yi mian’.

Now everything had passed, and hatta move on. As long as my grandma had went to heaven and lives happily with my grandpa.

Grandma, I miss you so much!!! How are you up there? I really hope you can come to my dream and talk to me.

Amithaba

♥ the world will turn WILD.
4:00 PM