Friday, July 17, 2009
Experiment time~
It should be an interesting period, playing with chemical and apparatus, the best part of experiment was when dissection during bio practical. But today after the experiment, there is a thought came in to my mind, that is can I change course. From 10am to 5pm practical, I was wondering what can we do for so long hours, but as the result, it wasn’t enough for the experiment.
Today’s experiment was volumetric analysis, for the total, I had titrated for 8 times! My hand was so sore and standing for the whole experiment. People also study in faculty of science, but why as chemistry student hatta suffer much more than others. I tot din get the offer for medic then can enjoy university life, but doesn’t work that way! And I dun think medic students will have such a long practical time as us. So cham and torturing man! The lecturer sat in front and played laptop, and just informed us time to lunch and let her see the jotter books. Luckily we have two nice tutors.
The unlucky stuff was, I was so tired and still the burette wanna make the situation worse, I titrated until half suddenly the screw loose and all the potassium permanganate solution flow out and spilled on my lab coat, first day I wearing it, so sad! Now it had the brown stain on it. Omg, dunno how to remove the stain and my hand also kena. After all the contact with acid and chemical substances, my finger become so rough and ugly, it was worst than washing clothes.
After the lab, I still have math class, I felt like sleeping in the nice air-conditional room. When the lecturer speaking in front, it was so hard to concentrate. Then at night still had hostel activity. The schedule was so pack and unable to breath. I joined basketball, athlete, badminton, dokumentasi and pusat sumber. Haha, next time I dunno how to play magic to separate myself into many person haiz.
♥ the world will turn WILD.
2:19 PM
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
I had so long din blogging ady, always wanna write but time was so hard to manage. Now was so sleepy but still hatta search for lecturers note. I was so tired and thinking of giving up, go back home and hide under parents’ protection. Everything hatta be independent, no more spoon-feed. University life never as easy or enjoying as what others said, it’s all depend on our hard work, either you pass or fail. Competition among everyone, and you are not allow to slow down your steps, if not you will be leave out. It was so tiring, now really hope there is an angel appears in front of me and help me settle all the mess and I may have a good night sleep. Every morning, before the alarm rang, I would wake up myself a few times, scared that I missed the bus and late to class. I was so tension and stress even though is not exam yet.
The campus is so huge and every day I sure get lost in somewhere of the campus. Seemed to be a good exercise but my legs gonna broken. And my plan was always upside down. It never goes according to my plans. We never plan to fail but fail to plan. That is so not true. I was so frustrated with those messes. Help!
The hostel was another sad case. The room was so small and crowded. I hatta sleep in the double-decker, what a terrible experience. And the under it, it was so hot, every night I sweated, never have a good sleep. Mosquito was another problem but luckily my dad had helped me to put on the 蚊帐.. nevertheless, I still decided to stay in the hostel and din tell my parents that we are allowed to move out, due to the traffic jam problem and I wanna join lots of activities in the college so I can make my university life unforgettable and gain great experiences.
This was the second week of university life, so far so not good. I found out I like cant caught up with the lecturer. They were so fast, and proceeded at the speed of what they like and dun care about others business. My pet bro told me that I’ll slowly adapt with it. I felt so hopeless and helpless. No one close to guide me, lead me to the right path. Ever since I din get my favorite course, I just follow the path that my dad decided for me which will lead me to a bright future. But in between is all about my lonely adventure… Just hope that God will always by my side, giving me strength to proceed and make sure I get good result in every semester and dun get extended. I can have my master in shortest time. Amithaba!
15 July 2009 1:13am
♥ the world will turn WILD.
4:17 PM
Monday, July 6, 2009
I had slowly accept the fact of not becoming doctor anymore, had another image of enjoying life and dating with my bf. No need to study biology anymore! I wun have the chance to learn more about our part of body, how it work, how to maintain it healthier, know the symptoms of sickness and so on… plants, animals and our environment etc… shall start keeping those precious bio books.
I had realised that all this years I had gone through the wrong path, I no good at biology and never get good result for it, blindly study for so hard and thought of it would be my future. Stupid me never realised that what I really good is chemistry and mathematics. Ignoring what is I and tried so hard to go for what I like. What the decision god makes for me is really for my best.
Why would I wanna be doctor so much? Izit because of fame or interest? To be different and special and prove that I am good since no one in my family history had becoming a doctor. I dun think so. I was a dystocia child, my mum always told me to appreciate of what I had, but I just like to take the challenge and believe that nothing is impossible as we try hard. Nevertheless, thing is always not as easy as we think, and sometimes it just dun work the way we want it to be.
I wondering since when I have come to believe the god’s will, just following. Where had the not-scare-of-lose me gone? Scare to neither take another step forward nor take another challenge after the fall. I felt myself is such a coward! But I really tired and had a painful experience.
I had done my very last try, if this fail, I’ll just give up and dun ever looks backward anymore. I reappeal for the medic course in UM, and with the help of my dad friend who work inside the high ministry department, which have a quite high chance to get it. But if I really get it, how will my mentally and physically which had prepared for the chemistry.
I knew deep inside me still hoping to become a doctor. Yesterday I went to Sunway Medical Centre to do the x-ray. While walking into the hospital, seeing those doctors, I felt sad that place will never be my working place, I will never have the chance of wearing the white coat. Hospital is some place which everyone dislike but I felt that is the place which giving those patients hope to survive, I did felt warm in that place and thinking next time I’ll be the one wearing the white coat working on either SJMC or SunMed helping the patient in A&E department. I’ll promise to be a responsible and kind doctor helping those in needed by having a smile in patient’s face as the reward. It shall be a dream after all. Goodbye my dear Dream!
26 Jun 09 5:23pm
♥ the world will turn WILD.
11:35 PM
This morning I was awake by my non-stop sneezing, suddenly I had I terrible feeling, so scare that I was affected by the H1N1 virus when the visit to the hospital and clinic. I started praying that I can’t be affected as I gonna start my uni life next week, I still have such a long journey need to go through and blaming for the university for asking us go through what body check up and x-ray screening at this peak of virus spreading. The worries caused me fever this morning and I though I really got affected. I measured my body temperature was 35.88 but I still felt heat in my body. This time I was more worry than the time having SARS, scare and plan to keep myself isolated from others. God blessed, as I started busy of my stuffs and the worries had been forgotten and the heat gone too. Life is really short, when only will we start care for it.
The medical check-up is just like cheating! I just did for urine test and blood pressure, others the doctor fill in himself and still dare to collect 50 bucks from me and I waited so long for that stupid medical check-up, waiting time, energy and money… and the x-ray cost me another 50 bucks, dunno have any side effect or not. My friend told me that I went for government only cost 20 bucks include x-ray film. Omg, why izit so much different, oh my money $$ fly away. But at least it was safer from H1N1 than the government hospital and no need to line up. Haiz… Yesterday there were so many things I were so unsatisfied and cost me so much money!
26 Jun., 09 6:01pm
♥ the world will turn WILD.
11:33 PM
At Hsu Ann’s party I had found out one thing. I had become the alien I can’t join their topic, even a sentence! Suddenly I like from different world, from a talkative person evolved became a silence person, just can smile to their topic, finding myself being ignored. Besides sitting there, I dunno what else I can do, just hoping Chin Xia could come earlier. Dunno since when my English became so terrible, I couldn’t speak well and fluently as usual, just like long time din speak, it had rusted. Helpless and bored! Without internet connection, I had being outdated and not keep contact with many people. Out of reach of information, they weren’t know what was going on with me so did I. Not having a car, having limited freedom, can’t go out for gathering or yamcha, causing my PR is declining and I hate my situation and my attitude.
Relationship this kinda stuff is so hard to predict. Everything is a time limit for it including friendship. Friend forever? Is that true, is just a feeling; you can see it or touch it. When the time comes, no matter how hard you try to hold on it, it slips away. Just like the rain in the midnight, what you can see just the water left on the road. Friends come and go only the true one stay. A true best friend stills now me still searching of her trace. Maybe I appear but I dun realise.
For all this year, I thought I had found one, not to say true but best friend. A good friend is someone who laughs with you not at you. Our friendship contains this quality, even far apart, she called me to share our happy stuff but never talk about our problem. Whenever I try to speak out my problem, she will try to avoid or she is busy of something else. I dun have a shoulder to lie on that why I really need a friend a cry on. I really appreciate the moment we spend together, just hope you’ll be there when I face a problem and pray that distance and time shall not bring us apart!
22 Jun., 09 5:12pm
♥ the world will turn WILD.
11:33 PM
The result was out, the good news was I managed to get into UM which was 15 minutes from my house and quite convenient and the bad news was I got Bachelor of Science in chemistry instead of medic. This was one of my eight choices, I had no right anyone for it, just myself dun get 4, which caused the dream ruined. As a result I just had chemistry in the end, why dun I just enter UTAR and study there no need to go to matric and became different from my friends. I had plenty of reason to persuade myself but as the heart had decided on something, it was so hard to be changed. I told myself if can’t get what I interested in then go for job that can earn lots of money. Doctor is so suffering, everyday hatta be prepared on call, and is not that easy to graduate, just take chem and enjoy life. God had helped you make the decision and take it as your fate. Ect reasons but still cant accept the truth.
19 Jun 09 4:02pm
♥ the world will turn WILD.
11:32 PM
I really hesitate I having insomnia, every night couldn’t fall asleep, tossing and turning round the bed trying to find a suitable posture, and took one or two hours to fall asleep. It was so suffering, seeing other had sleeping soundly, and the brain just dun wanna have a rest. All the problem flying in the mind, felt so irritating without having the solution.
Since young I also face the problem of fall asleep easily. Every night I would count sheep while others are dreaming of sheep. This problem became worst as I grew older, only when I really exhausted only miracle happened but that were very rare cases. Even I was physically tired, eyelids were so heavily but my mind still very actively. I really felt the mind became so wildly and out of control, like it no longer mine. Mine no longer following my instruction, my most reliable part had betrayed me!
In the morning, it dun wanna wake up, naughtily never had enough sleep; in the afternoon or evening the sleepy mood had came; as the night fall, sudden freshness appear, just like telling me the night was still young, enjoy! But I was suffering, the lights were out, there was nothing I can do, then the mind would started to run freely with its creative imagination. Till slowly (which took me hours) only willing to take me to the dreamland.
20 Jun., 09 4:28pm
♥ the world will turn WILD.
11:31 PM
On my birthday, really nothing special, as I said we dun celebrate birthday like others. I just had pizza for my dinner, staying at home tide over my birthday with my family. But I suddenly heard of many people have same birthday with me including huongyi. But he went celebrate with him family by having seafood dinner outside.
As for me, I dun expect to have an expensive dinner, just want someone close accompany me to have an unusual birthday. Last time I always thought of skating on birthday and on Christmas are very romantic event. I do thought before to go for skating lesson and skate with many beautiful styles and maybe get a chance to performance. Just like ballet dancing freely on the ice. Even thought of getting a bf who good at skating then can teach me on skate, those who can skate so well are always so pretty and handsome with their beauty of confident.
I get a call from hsu ann to invite me to her party. Swt, I dun get to celebrate some more hatta attend her and her brother birthday party. Haiz, dun she knew that I some how will feel a little unhappy for that but I still promised, now hatta worry of what present to buy for them.
But most sadly was I dun get to eat a cake on my birthday nor a Chinese noodle or red egg. Nevertheless, I dun regret of not join my matric friends to Genting. I prefer stay with my love one and get bored of it also duwan to see someone I dislike. Maybe that was the pay for choosy and got ffk by my friends and getting lonely. I just dun understand whenever I asked someone out either they duwan or in the last minutes they can’t make it. I hate that feeling, why dun they just follow my wish, I wun wanna ask them out if I duwan they to accompany me.
I just wish I have a car can go wherever I want to and have better people relationship so I dun get bored or feel lonely. I do hope I have a very close and best friend be there for me whenever I face problems and need someone to talk to and a boyfriend care and love and accompany me and help me in my studies and problems.
My 19th birthday wish is:
1. Get to study medic in UM
2. My parents will be blessed with good health and happiness
3. I can manage to get a humour, caring boyfriend and can help me in my studies
4. My family will live happily, no argument and well-being together
5. Hope that this world is free from disaster, war and pestilence
May all my wishes come true!
18 Jun., 09 4:27pm
♥ the world will turn WILD.
11:30 PM
Happy Birthday, I say to myself! As usual birthday is nothing special I shall just spend it myself. At least I get present for this year and birthday card. Just everyone have their own activities so have those birthday wishes together with me also consider not longer alone as they is still someone remember and care for me.
I can’t fall asleep last night, thinking the next day is just some normal ordinary day, felt kinda disappointed. Was planned to go KL celebrate with my same day, celebrate together as we planned long time ago. Who knows, everything just not happening as what I planned. The couple dun wan a light bulb, my husband fall sick and same day din allow to come here alone. The plan had ruin and just left me alone in house, even brother also busy. This morning I woke up at 9 but force myself to sleep back till 11.20 since there is no program. I was anticipating for surprise but no miracle happen. Without a bf, birthday is always lonely!
On my birthday eve I went out with chin xia and Fiona. I got a teddy bear and flower from them, so sweet of them knowing what I want. Maybe too long din see each other, there was a strange feeling between us, and I found out I can really speak fluently. I did realise that I was from different world, they talking about college life which I totally no idea about it. If I ended out just getting chemistry course then what for I entering matric, and make myself an alien. Scarification is never equal to what you get!
17 Jun., 09 12:55pm
♥ the world will turn WILD.
11:29 PM
Unfair!
No matter how hard I study and doing notes I never get the result I deserved… But other just enjoy their life still manage get better result. I swear that my scarification never less than anyone but still why my result never get better than them. Not that I wanna compare with other, I dun even can reach the target that I set for myself.
Just like what Edison said, 1% of inspiration and 99% of perspiration. Nevertheless, my hard work never equal to the result I get. I hate myself why in the last minutes I sure break down and ruin up all the hard work of study. During the study week my brain will suddenly blank up and data can’t enter anymore. The important time my brain just liked to be the opposition of me.
I hate it, which was so unfair; I sacrificed at my entertainment and relationship to study, study till midnight and dun tell me my way of study was wrong. I just try not to burn midnight oil, but my memory doesn’t stand on my side, it just can’t remember too earlier but I just dun have enough time for it! Why God is so unfair, giving someone with good memory, smart and talent but why not me. Even I study hard, You also dun help on hardworking people. I do deserve BETTER!
After all I just wanna be a doctor to help those who needed, wanna be a volunteer to help out those who innocent but suffer in the war and natural disaster, but why other just like to complete with me to get into the limited place of medic course. Those places only deserve for those who interested and willing to sacrifice not those who smart and money minded! So those who not interested just get lost and dun waste the place of mine!
If I end up just being a chemists then what for I enter matric, study so hard and suffer so much. I just wanna be doctor, other I not interested! I sure I qualified for being a doctor. So be fair, let me be what I wish, a doctor. Only dream can drive me forward and higher.
I hate the examination system in Malaysia and unfairness of selection!
27 May 2009 12:48 pm
♥ the world will turn WILD.
11:27 PM
After watching the animate of the girl that leap through time, I notion of going back to the past to change my results, my spm and matric results then I also dunno how. Haha. If I get better result in spm then all things after that will gonna changed… hmm, changing future what will happen next. Maybe will get jpa the wun never ever dream of being a doctor.
Maybe what happened there is a reason for it. I had undergo this experience, does it a way of pushing towards my ambition since young? Or getting such an unexpected result was a hint to stop me from taking medic?
Yesterday, I still can’t fall asleep till 3 am, was thinking about my future. I was thinking I still will continue what I wanted by taking medic but not in um, then write a resume to the SOS hospital in Singapore, unexpectedly they accept me and offer and sponsor me to study in university Singapore. Wow! And find a doctor bf to teach me in my study... go go go! Go for it!
Actually all I want was just wanna be a doctor and go overseas to get a better opportunity to let other people to realise my unrevealed talent. Why wasn’t born smarter like those genius can remember right after they read and understand the text without any difficulties. Then I should not hatta suffer and worry that much. I wanna prove to others that I am as good as others. Why they can study with good grades why can’t I? Isn’t it God is fair but even thought I study hard I still dun get good result in those important exam.
Maybe I just wasn’t that smart or talented. My talent was always be covered, like at home due to transport or financial problem. Even I interested in music or dance i never get a chance to learn. Only there- matric was a totally dream-digger place.
22 May 09 10:09pm
♥ the world will turn WILD.
11:24 PM
What an unlucky day! Omg, really is time to go seek for advice from fortune-teller see what is going on with me?
First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD!
Moreover, sorry for unable give the best present for you. Today was result out day, suppose all my hard work is time to be rewarded with good result. Nevertheless, there is problem with my study way. As what people said, study smart not hard… How the right way of study and what is is study smart. I did notes and din work last minutes but everything just gone very wrong in the study week. What is the thing going wrong and I can’t figure it out, guide please. Now I do wish I have a sibling which is elder than me give me advice and support.
Today was planned to go for car driving, but I felt that there is something wrong with the car, it was not balance, the steering kept moved to my right and found out was tyre problem, I get scolded for not checking before scolding and I realised I dunno how to change tyre.
Something bad sure happened before getting my result same as during SPM result released and end up I din get good result for it. That day supposed to be a happy day to gather back with the entire schoolmate but suddenly I get a call that I still owe school book and hatta go back to get it. Damm unlucky.
Today, same thing happened, izit the unlucky sign and I din get 4 flat meaning that can’t enter medic course. I went far away to matric just to study medic but thank to matric I dare to dream of something seemed to be impossible for me. Now I seemed to be an ant losing its direction. Dunno what should to in the future. Aim for the sky and reach for the star, I aimed for medic now dunno what course to apply other that medic.
Should I still go on with my dream, why cant I just get 4 and all the problems is settled! I dun understand how could I get a B for bio, to study medic, B is an insult! And A- for math, unacceptable! What I got was so unpredictable; I knew I dun really did well but not this worse. Honestly, for Chinese to get this kinda result is so embarrass. Omg, who can I blame of?
I din do well for matric then how am I qualified to study medic, how to survive through the 5 years of medic life. The confliction in me began ever since the unconfident of me choosing the medic path so how to end it? Izit dun choose medic than this kinda headache will gone forever and live freely after that. But in the other hand, I wanted to be doctor so much! I hate myself! Why wasn’t I born to be smarter or braver in taking challenges?
Now what? Move on or turn other direction?
20 May 2009 3:45pm
♥ the world will turn WILD.
11:21 PM
Fourth day coming back from matric, still haven get used to the usual life over here, the home spend most of all my time, but I seemed dun really like this place. Last night I can’t fall asleep, kept awake from nightmare… Was I dun like or cant used to? This place where I grown up, I get my parents love, but how can it replaced by the matric’s hostel? Nope, the feelingless hostel is never able to replace my home sweet home just over here I can’t get the peacefulness and freedom over there.
After coming back, there wasn’t any day of peaceful, non-stop quarrel and everyday trapped at home… none of my friends contacted me, just like this whole year was a dream. After woke up nothing left, everything was just back to normal. Had I been slept for 10 months... maybe, what happened over there was too much to be real—I won first place for the running, I became the model, I was famous and well known but how come not even a single person contacted me, I tried to reach them but they seemed no interest in messaging with me… it must be a dream…. Now is time to wake up and forget about it.
In front of everyone, I was jealous by many people, have many friends and mixed well with everyone, always that happy smile on the face but who would find out the emptiness and no one to chat to when facing problems… no one would ever realise that, I was always alone…
♥ the world will turn WILD.
11:20 PM
I do really hate YOU! Because of you I loss contact with others, I made you my centre of life, if you knew you I cant be then why you gave me hope since the beginning. Or else you can tell me the truth after matric as u promised but why before exam. Do you know I kept distracted and cant concentrate because of your truth… you are so selfish and never think of my feeling, maybe you still wondering why am I so angry and I cant accept of it, I din tell you because I still hope to maintain as friends between us, no matter how, there is still a barrier exist between us and it hurt whenever I tried to pass it… you never knew about it, you thought your mission is done after the truth reveal, and want my bleeding heart to console you, I hate your selfishness! If I knew is that hurt, I would never wanna know the truth, or you can just lie to me, I hate your selfishness! All had came to the end, the memories between us I shall wipe off, you were first guy managed to make me so conflicting and hate you so much and shall I delete YOU from my memory. Sayonara and hope we never meet again.
♥ the world will turn WILD.
11:18 PM
